Therepy and much much more

So life in the fast lane was great for me...I got divorced, headed back into the work force, sent my youngest to daycare, my oldest started Kindergarten, and I moved in with family. Life seemed to be just great. I keep really busy and a lot of the thoughts I had just seemed to go away and stay hidden. Well when you keep things bottled up and thoughts hidden....it eventually comes to the top of that bottle and bursts. Around December that is what happened to me...things that I had bottled up inside came out and I was a train wreck. I just went crazy with all this stuff and didn't know really were to go or how to handle it. I locked my family out, my friends, my kids, and the whole world. So I went to my parents and asked them what they thought about me going to see a therapist. The decision was made and off I went.

Let me tell you that doing that was the best thing I have done for myself since my divorce. It brought out a lot of anger, hate, and emotions that I didn't even know I had. It showed me how not to hold a grudge and to not keep things inside and to forget about the past. I found out how to handle the rough things in life. I have found out how to get myself back and to own myself and to not let someone else own me. I am at rest with what has happened in my life and I know that I did try my best and I did all that I could. Yes it is sad and I will have that sadness in my life, but I know how to not let it take me. I have forgiven, not only myself, but PJ for all that has happened and I am now putting myself forward and first.

I recently got a comment on my blog that sparked a little conversation.....it must of been from Heavenly Father telling me that I could handle what came my way or as one person said: "thanks for being mature about it!" I ventured outside the box and made a decision that effects me and my little family in a way that I thought might cause a problem, but it didn't. I, along with others, have decided that it is important for the girls to know who they are and to know their other family.

So last night and more nights to come I took the girls to see their cousins and family on PJ's side. I have done it before, but the effect of that caused problems and I decided not to do it again. But now with what I have from my therapy and knowing the fact that the divorce just didn't happen to me, I changed my mind. I gave certain conditions when deciding this and all parties were good with the conditions. I was really nervous to go, but it was actually a really good visit. Thanks Heidi and Josh for opening your home and allowing the girls to come and have a relationship with you and your cute family. I know with all my heart that this will be good for the girls. They have every right to know that part of their lives and am grateful for the opportunity to do so.

Its snowing....

its cold, I don't like being wet, and it is 6:00 a.m. My mind says to me 'DO IT ANYWAY!' and so I did! I got out of bed put on my running/walking gear and out the door I went. OMH was it cold.....I keep saying to myself "DO IT, It isn't that bad!"...and it wasn't. I was a little nervous today with what my training plan said, but I did it without any problems. No huffing and puffing for air, no pain in the side, nothing! And here I am at 7:00 a.m. posting, wide awake, and ready to attack the day! I hope it continues to be this easy from here....it might not and I know that, but with all that has happened in my life...................I AM READY!!!!!!

Day Two....

of my training went very well. I am very excited. I was for sure thinking it was going to be hard, but have found that it is really easy. I know...it is only day two, but I am hopeful.

Step One...complete

November of 2009 I had had enough of looking like a fat frumpy mom/person (as my great friend Amy put it about so many women/moms) and decided it was time to get my health in order. I was talking to a gal at work and she mentioned Weight Watchers. I wasn't quit sure that was the right path to take, because of the cost. She then continued to tell me that she use to teach for Weight Watchers and had all the stuff I would need to get started. So she brought me all her stuff and I began to read and dive into the program. I picked the points system and off I went. We decided that she was going to do it with me and that we would weigh in every Tuesday at school to keep track of losses and gains (to have that kind of support you get when you go to weekly meetings at Weight Watchers). The first week was really hard and I was really hungry, but I as I continued and the lbs. came off, I feel in love with it. My appetite decreased, I eliminated soda and all the junk food, and stopped going out to eat (as far as fast food places). I keep my flex pts. for the weekend just in case I wanted to go out and eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. Life started to change. I went down 3 pant sizes and 1 shirt size and today I have lost a total of 25.4 lbs.
My sister came to me the other day and asked if I wanted to do the Race for the Cure with her on May 8th. I was very hesitant and not sure that would be something I could do. BUT...I said YES! I've been talking about walking the Race for awhile and never thought that I could run it, but I am going to do it. Today I completed Step One. I took myself down to The Salt Lake Running Co. and bought me a pair of running shoes and inserts. I really felt good walking in there and telling the sales lady exactly what I wanted and she just went to it. Before I would of never stepped foot in that place cause I laked the self confidence. NOT TODAY!!! I finished my errands and when I came home off went the street clothes and on came the workout clothes and I hit the pavement. I have decided to use the Couch to 5K training plan to help me prepare for the Race, since I heard that was a good place to start. So today the chart said: walk 5 min., jog 2 min., then walk 5 min. OMH did that feel great! I could of gone on, but promised myself and my sister that I would stick to the training and not over do it. How exhilarating that feels to know that I can do this and nothing is going to get in my way!

I think it is funny...

when someone reads a blog and totally takes it out to its content. I mean, come on people! Re-read it and get your facts straight before you go and run your mouth off and cause problems! Because causing problems is the last thing I need in my life.

My little angel

Last night Brooklyn woke up around 8:30 p.m. after being asleep for only 45 mins. I let her cry for awhile and then she really started to get upset and cry harder. So I got ready for bed and went in to get her and put her in bed with me. Now I usually don't do that and because I did with my 5-year-old when she was little....she now doesn't have good sleep patterns. In fact about 4 out of the 7 days in the week she ends up on my floor or I end up in her bed laying by her. So to all that I believe, Brooklyn is in bed with me and she starts to cough...or should I say bark like a seal! OMH not again!! So I crack a window and let the cold air come into the room.....well her comes Bethie. "Mom can you lay by me?" Well I ended up putting Brooklyn back in her bed, cranked up the cool mist, and laid by Bethie. Brooklyn went back to sleep and Bethie laid there and finally went back to bed. I got back into my room around 3:45 a.m. and I laid there! All this sickness keep running through my mind....Why can't we stay well!! Two reasons the dr. told me this afternoon.....1. I have a kindergartner and 2. My child is in daycare. Plus, on top of Brooklyn going to daycare..she had croup at the age of 3 months which makes her more prone to all and everything out there! LUCKY ME!! I guess I am just thankful to have a good boss and know that she understands (at least she says she does and I pray that she does!!!) Anyway...today I decided to put her in a big girl bed and to heck with all this baby stuff. She has been going potty in the toilet and so why not! Tonight I had to lay by her just to give her that self assurance that it was okay to be in a big girl bed and she fell asleep quite well. Just looking at her asleep makes it all worth it! She is such a good baby and I wouldn't trade that for anything! Thanks Heavenly Father for sending her and her spirit to me....I feel you knew what was going to happen in my life after she was born and that is why I have her....

Have you ever?

So last night I watched 2012 and am not sure today if that was a great idea. I have had the biggest anxiety attack ever and can't seem to get those things out of my mind. I was texting a good friend this morning about it and she asked if I thought that is how the world is going to come to an end. I really haven't really thought about that kind of thing, but have you ever really sat down and wondered? Well, I thought that because of our beliefs that it wouldn't be that drastic...Well boy was I wrong. I went in and started talking to my parents and they pretty much disagreed with me. The world will be cleansed by fire and the wicked will be burned! And it will be that bad, but not to worry is what they said! There it goes...ANXIETY!!!!!! Not that I am some horrible person and that I have committed murder or something like that, but the fear set in. Why is it that I am afraid of what is to come when our Savior comes again? Why is it that that concept causes so much anxiety? HELP!