WOW...its been long!

I can't believe that it has been this long since I posted. Things have been good then bad then good again. I thought the roller coaster ride was over once I divorced PJ...NOT!!!! As the Carpenters sang..."Its only just begun..." So true! The last couple weeks have been pretty hard. We have found out that Bethanie might be lactose intolerant, Brookie has got to have eczema, and I have gone from 32 hour to 12. Can it get any worse? Maybe this is why I don't post...too much drama. I prefer to talk about good things not the bad....but whatever. On a good note...I have put myself out there and have gone to a lot of singles activities and have met some really AWESOME peeps! It reminds me of how it was when I was younger and single. We do have a blast and having single friends that KNOW what you are going through is so good. It has made me re-look at my life...I am not the only single mom/parent out there. Thanks to all of my new friends that have helped me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Dear PJ

I just wanted to tell you that you are missing out on your children. If life ever got to be so busy that I couldn't see my kids...something would have to change! This is your life that you are letting pass you by...and for what? One day you will look back and see that your children's lives have blown you by and wonder Where was I? Too busy working, putting your needs first and the needs of others that aren't as important as your children first. This is your flesh and blood we are talking about; not some side work, someones wedding, a head ache, some girlfriend, over time, or whatever your excuses might be. You are missing out on water fights, dodge ball, Brooklyn talking, conversations with Bethie, bubble blowing, sidewalk chalk, imaginary friends, play dates with friends, the park, Holidays, BBQs, late night movies, Brooklyn eating dirt, Bethie learning to ride a two wheeler, cloud watching, "Dad, guess what?', hugs, kisses, family, bumps and bruises, Sunday drives, watching them play with a box like it is a rocket, coloring, seeing your shadow for the first time and moving just to see what it does, and most of all growing up. Its all about priorities and making the best of the time you have; whether it be 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, etc. It would be a cold day in hell for me to even think about missing the opportunity to be apart of their lives. Just remember that when they want nothing to do with you, don't come back on me saying that it was my fault...YOU have had all the chances, days, weekend visits, Holidays, vacations, time off work, etc to be there and YOU choose not to be there!

Sincerely,
Kim

Sick to my stomach!

The past few days have been pretty crappy for me. It all started Sunday and has progressed through today. I think I have lost one of my best friends. I have known this person for about 4 yrs. and have been able to be myself with this person. Something happened and now this person seems different. I needed someone to talk to this morning and when I texted this person, I never got a response. My grandma died last night and even though it is a good and happy thing, I am sad. PJ was a real jerk this morning when I called him this morning to talk to him about Saturday...the day of the Funeral.....and he was so rude. Lastly, I got chewed out at work, but not to my face! I am the type of person who eats when they get upset and I thought that I had learned to control that behavior! Well guess not! After a meeting at work today where I was the reason for the meeting.....I started to cry and couldn't stop. Once I could go to lunch, I hit the food. As I was eating lunch a friend says to me: "You know you will be sick later today!" I haven't eaten a Whopper since November of 2009 and I had one for lunch and she was right. I feel like I could throw-up! I continued when I went to get Bethie from the Hall's.... I had an ice cream, then two cookies, and then some candy. I am sooooo sick to my stomach right now that I could kick myself in the butt. Why do we do this stuff? Why can we do something that we know we will regret later on......

A reunion at last....21 yrs is a long time!!

I was not feeling myself todayand haven't been for a few days....really bad headache, cough, running nose, the works....so I decided to stay home from work to get better. Ya right did that not happen. I was putting Brooklyn down for a nap and my phone rang. It was my mom and I wasn't going to answer it but something told me to. So I did and she says: "Just calling to tell you that Grandma is not good...she will probably not make it through the night. They have put her in her own room so if you want to come and say goodbye or see her before she goes that would be fine." I hung up the phone and just cried! The day wasn't good to begin with and that just made it worse.

Bethie has no school this week because of assessments and I had made arrangements for her to go stay with the Hall's in Bountiful but decided that if they could take her tonight, I would take her up there and go see grandma. Of course they were all over that...Bethie and Hailey are so close; the more time they get together the better off they are. So off to Bountiful I went and dropped her off and then headed to the rest home. When I got there my dad was standing outside waiting to take me to her room. I visited with my aunts and uncles, laughed about old times and remember the good. I decided that I better take off.....having Brooklyn there was kind of hard....so I said my goodbyes.

Grandma I love you more than words can say. Thank you for being a great grandma. I will always remember bear lake raspberries and vanilla ice cream, the white peach tree, the riding lawn mower, the many sleepovers waking to the smell of coffee brewing, and many many more memories. Remember to give Grandpa a huge hug for me and tell him I love and have missed him tons.

Grandpa its time...21 years is a long time to be away from your loving wife and companion. May the reunion be filled with tears of joy. She is ready to be with you and all those that have gone before her. Come and take her home!!

What a great family!

Years ago when PJ and I were married and moved to Bountiful (three streets down from his parents), his sister came to me and asked me if I would be interested in babysitting a little girl about 10 months old. I jumped at the chance to be able to stay at home and work. I set up a time for the parents to come and meet me and for me to meet their child. It wasn't a hard decision, on either side, to know that this was going to work. So we started watching a little girl named Hailey. We did everything together that summer, fall, winter, and spring. She was just like one of my own children. In fact I treated her just like my own daughter. We got really close with Hailey's parents and grandparents. Well a year came of watching her and her parents decided to move to Kentucky! I was heart broken...they had become like family and I was really sad to see them go. About four months later they came back and I insisted on taking her again. NO ONE else was going to watch my Haybug!!!! Long story short.....through all that has happened in my life they have been there with me and are still a big part of my life. Bethie and Hailey got so close while I watched her....just like sisters...that I could never tear them apart. They have one of those relationships that will last forever. I love her grandparents, Red and Michelle, as if they were my own parents. Hailey's parents, Heather and Anthony, are great as well. They are some of my closest friends and I love being with them.

Last Saturday we got together for a BBQ...come to find out it was a BBQ for my bday. We had sooo much fun. Michelle is a great cook and we always have awesome food. Heather helped Michelle make strawberry short cake from scratch and it was the best I had ever had. The girls get together sooo good and they played all day and night. They made some kind of soup out of Anthony's golf balls and played like they were getting attacked by alligators. We had a huge game of dodge ball with the girls and of course it was us against Anthony and needless to say we lost!! What great times! In fact, when we got in the car and were leaving Bountiful, Bethie says to me: "Mom aren't they the best friends ever?" and I agree. They are a great family and we are so blessed to have them in our lives. They will always and forever be apart of me and my girl's life!!

Look at these two...you'd think they were divas!

Anthony teaching the girls to golf........

I DID IT!!!!!!!

Well after 10 weeks of training........I DID IT!!!!! I ran the Race for the Cure on Saturday! Let me tell you how amazing it was to be there, especially with my sister Heather. I can now say that I have done it and will continue every year from now on! It was and is the most amazing feeling......and yes I cried at the end. I was so proud of myself! A friend said to me the night before, "who'd a thought that a year ago you would be doing this?" And she was right....I have come so far in the last 6 months or so. Thanks to everybody who believed in me and gave me the support I needed to accomplish this!! Thanks Sis for letting me run with you....you are truly a great sister. I love you!

I wasn't sure how it was all going to go down, but once that gun went off for us to start.....I couldn't stop. I trained with a walk/run system and used that in the race. I started off with a brisk run and then implemented the walk/run system and finished in 41 minutes. At the end of the race I saw my girls, my parents, and my sister's fam., and yelled......I DID IT!!!!!! My emotions got the best of me when I saw my sister, who was only three mins. ahead of me, waiting with my family. I have never felt the feeling that I had at that moment before, and will cherish it the rest of my life!

I miss you today!

Since my separation and divorce to PJ, I really haven't been able to listen to the radio. PJ and I had pretty much the same taste in music. Anything from Country to The 80's to Nine in Nails to Andrew Bochelli (or however you spell his name). We hardly ever fought over it and loved to listen to it. In several of the places that we lived, he would have the sound system in two places of the house. One the main living area and the other usually in the bedroom. At one time we could listen to one thing in the bedroom and a differ thing in the living room. We would listen to it at differ times of the day; like cleaning the house or just to relax.
It is hard for me to really listen to the radio or really any kind of music. I had friends put cds with songs of girl power or men bashing together, in fact I own two PINK cds and play them over and over and over. They don't seem to work as good as I thought they would, but oh well. My girls like to have music played at bedtime and when I am laying there with Brooklyn and hear the music, my mind wonders and I seem to think of PJ and for some odd reason today I miss him!

Ruffle Pants

A few months ago my really good friend, Amy, showed me these ruffle outfits on Etsy. I totally fell in love with them and wanted to get an outfit for Brooklyn for her birthday. A couple weeks later I found one that I really liked and ordered. When we were opening presents and that outfit came around, Bethie hit the ceiling. She says: "Mom those pants are so hip hop. Can I have a pair?" I told her we would have to see and that was the end of the conversation.


Yesterday when PJ came and got the girls, I took myself out to do a little shopping. As I wondered around Walmart, I headed over to the fabric department and started looking through the pattern books. My intention was to find a pattern for some pajamas that another friend of a friend made for Bethie for her bday last year. We have a bday party for a cousin this week and I thought that would be fun to do for her. Well I came across a pattern for ruffle pants and decided that was the project I was going to do.


Saturday just got away and today I was kind of bored with packing boxes (we are moving with my parents to West Jordan), so out came the sewing projects. I started with a new 'meme' for Brooklyn and then decided to tackle the ruffle pants. OMH....how fun and easy that was. I was really nervous...I hadn't read a pattern like that in a LONG time. With a little guidance from my mom on some terminology in about 2 hours I got them finished! When I asked Bethie to come try them on, she freaked out! "Oh thanks mom, my hip hop pants!! Can I wear them now?" I told her no and that she could wear them tomorrow to school. You would of thought it was Christmas....she was sooooo excited and happy.

Next project...flirt skirts!

FRUSTRATED

is not the only word....SAD is another. Here I sit at my computer crying at 10:45 p.m. Wishing that I could make it all go away. Bethie and Brooklyn went with there dad today for about 7 hours.........Brooklyn came home a snot and Bethie come home sad. Asking her how her day was she begins to cry and say: "Not good mom, dad yelled at me all day, I couldn't play with my toys, and I am getting kicked out of my room because Bree is moving back in the house!" I asked her why she couldn't play with her toys and she said: "Dad put them in the garage because Bree is moving in that room!" "What happened to your bed?" "I don't know but I don't get to sleep over anymore with dad so I guess I don't need one!" Talk about break your heart!! What do you do? I am so FRUSTRATED and SAD that my girls have to go thru all of this crap. Bethie did say that she got to see her Great Grandma Mary and play then, but it wasn't very long before they had to go back home. She laid in bed tonight sad and I just didn't have the words. So, I just laid with her and held her till she fell asleep. I have never been at such a loss for words............HELP!!

Hip Hop

Bethanie is so into Hip Hop thing that just the other day she says to me: "Mom is this Hip Hop? Cause if it isn't, I am NOT wearing it!" OMH that blew my mind....I said "You are 5 and you WILL wear whatever I put on you!"

My mom took some pics the other day and Bethie asked if she could do Hip Hop poses....well this is what my mom got on camera:

Another picture slideshow by Smilebox

Oh no, where did it go?

About a week ago Bethie came to me and told me she had a loose tooth! She was so excited and could hardly wait to tell someone. We called her dad, her Aunt Heidi, and her Aunt Nichole. She wanted to call her Great Grandma Mary, but she wasn't home. She was soooooo happy to finally have a loose tooth. Days past and she keep asking me, "Mom when is my tooth going to come out?" I tried to tell her soon, but that just didn't work. Well Saturday we were at my sister's house for Brooklyn's birthday. We had just finished dinner and I told the kids about the candy buffet and off they went with their boxes to fill with goodies. We had just cut the cake and my mom says shockingly: "Bethie where is your tooth?" She had lost her tooth eating candy or dinner and didn't even feel it. How could you not feel something hard in your food or evening chewing your food. Anyway it is gone and she was so worried that the tooth fairy wouldn't come because she didn't have a tooth to put under her pillow. We all explained to her that she would come, just put a note under your pillow and she will find it. Sure enough she did and Bethie got her first dollar from the tooth fairy!

Brooklyn's Birthday Party!

Before I even say a word about the party....THANK YOU Heather and Brad for allowing me to have Brooklyn's party at your house. It really meant a lot to be able to have it there!! It was a great party and we all had great laughs and real fun! We had dinner and the kids got to take part of a candy buffet (thanks Amy for the GR8 idea)! Thanks family for all that you do for me and my girls! We love you all so much and am grateful that you are in our lives!

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We had a great night outside....

headache and all!!!!!

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Another cousin playdate!

So today was the second time that the girls and I got together for a play date. We went to Kangaroo Zoo and the girls had a blast!!!! It was good to see the girls playing with their cousins and getting along. Lily, Mary, and Bethie were good babysitters. They keep track of Brooklyn and made sure she was safe. Bethie comes running to us and is yelling that Brooklyn got kicked in the head by another kid. Well by the time we got over there, Lily had taken care of it all. Go Lily...way to be a tough kid! So we ordered pizza and let the girls play some more. I watched Brooklyn at the end so the girls could go off and do their own thing. So Brooklyn was in this on jumper and she picked up something and started to eat it. OMH!!! I yelled and freaked out. I said to little Josh (who isn't so little anymore): "Get in there and get her for me please. She just put gum or something in her mouth!!" So off he went and got her. Once we got her out of the jumper, I took it out of her mouth. Come to find out it was only a Skittle and she ate it not someone else.....phew!!!! You should of seen me, I was dry heaving. It was gross!! Anyway.....the girls had a blast and I am glad that we get to spend time with their cousins on that side of the fam! Thanks Redd fam and Grandma 'D' for letting us be apart our your lives!

Oh by the way here are some pics!!!!

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Not a good thing.....

Training was really hard for me today....I was suppose to jog 6 mins., walk 5, jog 6 mins., walk 5 mins. But that DID NOT HAPPEN!?!?!? I got a side stitch and felt like I couldn't breath in right so I stopped and just walked home. I thought that I had given myself enough time after eating dinner, but I guess not. I just don't understand....actually I do. With Brooklyn being sick I really haven't been able to do my training. Which is hard for me cause I want this so bad! Anyway when I got home and looked at the training schedule I was on the wrong day. I don't think that had anything to do with it cause if I go back to the right day, tomorrow is another long run! Any advice runners?

Yes life can get back to normal!

You know when your children or child, in my case, is feeling much better when you see them doing this with their cousins:

Or when you have to change outfits because they get a hold of a squirt bottle:

I am sooooo glad that little Brookie feels so much better. She has eaten like a horse today and is constantly wanting something to drink. Maybe now we can go back to the potty training thing.....I am so sick of diapers!!!!

Thanks everyone for all that you did for me the past week and all your prayers for Brooklyn....it has meant more than you all know and more than I can convey! Love you all!!!

Progess report and random pics!

Tonight was a training night. I haven't been able to do much because of the whole thing with Brookie and all the ER visits and the doctor visits so I was a little nervous. Now to some of you running for 7 mins straight is probably not hard. Well when you aren't a runner it seems like eternity. So off I went...the first 5 mins was just a walk. Now I am a great speed walker and have done speed walking since I was in college (I had to take PE and that seemed like the best thing to take!). So walking is no biggie! Well once that 5 mins was up I headed into my 7 mins jog.........well I get about half way in and I start to loose it and my mind is telling me to stop and just walk....OH NO YOU DON'T! I had a hard time finding good music to run to on my little iPod shuffler and I need that kind of stuff.....so I start telling myself (out loud mind you) 'Come on girl...you can do it!!" The more I keep telling myself that, I keep going. I then proceeded to say it louder and louder. Well if you were driving next to me or even walking around me you might of thought to your self....'Man that girl is crazy!' No just self motivation!!!!! Anyway I made it and I feel GREAT!!!! I am going to do this...you just wait and see!!

Oh P.S. Here is a slide of some random pics of the girls. In some of them you can see the sores on the front of Brookie's face....the inside is 10 times worse!!!!!

Another picture slideshow by Smilebox

Herpetic stomatitis Information at myOptumHealth

Herpetic stomatitis Information at myOptumHealth

Just in case you want to read more about what Brooklyn has!

Saturday=ER Sunday=ER Monday=Doctor Tuesday=No Daycare

The title explains it all. Friday we went to PJ's sisters house for the girls to play with their cousins. We headed home for the night and Brooklyn's spiked a fever. Let me tell you I am so sick of this kid being sick. So taking medicine is sooo hard with this kid. She spits out everything...including grape flavored Tylenol. So it was like pulling teeth. We went to bed and it all went down hill. Brooklyn ended up in my bed and around 3 in the morning she started to shake. I have never had a child shake like that while having a fever. So I got really worried and called for my mom. She came in and Brooklyn fell back asleep. So back to bed we went. Well around 5 in the morning she started to shake again and this time it was worse and I decided that I couldn't wait til the morning for the insta care to open, so off to the ER we went. I live just down the street from the new IMC and decided that we just better head there instead of trying to go all the way to Primarys.

We got to the ER and they took us right in and put us in a room. We didn't wait too long and we saw the doctor. She took asked a lot of questions and took a lot of notes. They came in and forced some Ib down and tried some peidalite to see what would happen. After a few long hours they decided that she had a URI (upper respiratory infection) The dr. that we saw was AWESOME. He gave me some prescriptions and some instructions to follow and asked if I would mind bringing Brooklyn back on Sunday around Noon for a follow-up. I didn't hesitate because I need to know what is going on and to get her better. So homeward bound we went and stuck in the house.


The Saturday before Easter is usually one to never forget. We all get together for fun and dyeing eggs. Well just like the Super Bowl, Brooklyn and I stayed home and watched tv and some movies. Well Saturday night was not a good night. Even with the meds in her, the fever spiked and she just laid in bed either crying or moaning. Noon was too far away, but we waited. We got back to the Er and they took her vitals and things had changed. Her fever was higher and her heart rate was accelerated. We got in the room and the dr. we saw on Saturday came right in and started with the questions. He decided that it was best now to run a bunch of tests and figure out why Brooklyn was feeling like this. So IV fluids, urine catheter test, suction of nose for a viral test, and a round of IB and Tylenol every three hours. OMH can you imagine a 23 month old child with an IV......not a good picture. My mom had to leave the room and Bethie just cried. There I was wishing I could take it all away from her and have her not have to go through all of this. I decided that I better call her dad and let him know what was going on....bad idea! I am not going to go into details, but needless to say he didn't come and said "just let me know." Whatever A**hole, some 'father' you are. So we waited and waited and waited......finally she started to came alive. She wanted to get down and walk around and be herself...kindof hard when your IV only goes so far. We read some books, had her uncles come and give her a blessing, and waited some more. Finally Dr. Allen came back and said that all of the tests but two had come back negative and that he was going to send us home. He told us to continue with the every three hours of the IB and the Tylenol and to make an appointment with the ped. for a follow-up and to look at the last two tests. At least she was back to herself.....well at least I thought. We got home and had to spend the rest of the night up stairs in our room cause we had most of my family over for Easter Dinner and we didn't want to take the chance that what she had was contagious. Some Easter! Poor Brooklyn isn't in any of the Easter pics and didn't get to do the whole egg hunt, but its okay. I would rather get her better than make it worse.

Today off we went to the dr. office to figure out what the world is going on. We didn't see our regular ped., but thats ok. I really trust most of the Doctors in the clinic, I don't mind seeing someone else. After the doctor read the file, asked some questions, and looked at Brooklyn....he knew what was going on. Brooklyn has what is called Herpetic Stomatitis. Basically she has the herpes simplex virus. Most child get this virus and when they turn 18 or 19 and get their fist cold sore they wonder how they got it, but once you get that virus it stays in you. In fact we all have the virus hence why we get cold sores, fever blisters, heat blisters, etc. Since it is contagious she can't go back to daycare for about 10 more days and really shouldn't play with others toys, eat off others utensils, etc. Happy Day for me!!! My folks have decided that they will watch her from now on, well at least till summer school is over.

So if you want to know how my Spring Break was......you know now!

Therepy and much much more

So life in the fast lane was great for me...I got divorced, headed back into the work force, sent my youngest to daycare, my oldest started Kindergarten, and I moved in with family. Life seemed to be just great. I keep really busy and a lot of the thoughts I had just seemed to go away and stay hidden. Well when you keep things bottled up and thoughts hidden....it eventually comes to the top of that bottle and bursts. Around December that is what happened to me...things that I had bottled up inside came out and I was a train wreck. I just went crazy with all this stuff and didn't know really were to go or how to handle it. I locked my family out, my friends, my kids, and the whole world. So I went to my parents and asked them what they thought about me going to see a therapist. The decision was made and off I went.

Let me tell you that doing that was the best thing I have done for myself since my divorce. It brought out a lot of anger, hate, and emotions that I didn't even know I had. It showed me how not to hold a grudge and to not keep things inside and to forget about the past. I found out how to handle the rough things in life. I have found out how to get myself back and to own myself and to not let someone else own me. I am at rest with what has happened in my life and I know that I did try my best and I did all that I could. Yes it is sad and I will have that sadness in my life, but I know how to not let it take me. I have forgiven, not only myself, but PJ for all that has happened and I am now putting myself forward and first.

I recently got a comment on my blog that sparked a little conversation.....it must of been from Heavenly Father telling me that I could handle what came my way or as one person said: "thanks for being mature about it!" I ventured outside the box and made a decision that effects me and my little family in a way that I thought might cause a problem, but it didn't. I, along with others, have decided that it is important for the girls to know who they are and to know their other family.

So last night and more nights to come I took the girls to see their cousins and family on PJ's side. I have done it before, but the effect of that caused problems and I decided not to do it again. But now with what I have from my therapy and knowing the fact that the divorce just didn't happen to me, I changed my mind. I gave certain conditions when deciding this and all parties were good with the conditions. I was really nervous to go, but it was actually a really good visit. Thanks Heidi and Josh for opening your home and allowing the girls to come and have a relationship with you and your cute family. I know with all my heart that this will be good for the girls. They have every right to know that part of their lives and am grateful for the opportunity to do so.